Warren Buffett’s Best Jokes

Warren Buffett is known for three things: his vast amounts of money, his folksy, down-to-earth mannerisms, and his investing genius. After all, he isn’t called the “Oracle of Omaha” for nothing.

But, to anyone familiar with the Oracle of Omaha, it’s also extremely obvious that Buffett has quite a good sense of humor. Here are some of Buffett’s funniest and best jokes and quips, collected over the years:

  • During a discussion about Berkshire Hathaway’s stock, and what effect Warren’s death would have on it, the analyst replied “A negative effect.” Warren Buffett, who was sitting there as well, replied without missing a beat, “It won’t be as negative for the stock as it will be for me.”

  • “The gecko, I should add, has one particularly endearing quality – he works without pay. Unlike a human spokesperson, he never gets a swelled head from his fame nor does he have an agent to constantly remind us how valuable he is. I love the little guy.”

  • Buffett was talking to CBS news about how focused he gets when playing Bridge, “You know, if I’m playing bridge and a naked woman walks by, I don’t ever see her…. Don’t test me on that!”

  • “If I wanted to do something wild & crazy I could do it, but Anna Nicole Smith is gone. Reminds me of the story of the 60 year old man that got a 25 year old to marry him. When his friends asked how he did it, he replied, ‘I told her I was 90.'”

  • In this ambition, we hope — metaphorically — to avoid the fate of the elderly couple who had been romantically challenged for some time. As they finished dinner on their 50th anniversary, however, the wife — stimulated by soft music, wine and candlelight — felt a long-absent tickle and demurely suggested to her husband that they go upstairs and make love. He agonized for a moment and then replied, “I can do one or the other, but not both.” – 2005 Shareholder Letter

  • “A line from Bobby Bare’s country song explains what too often happens with acquisitions: ‘I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I’ve sure woke up with a few.’” – 2007 Shareholder Letter

  • “As one investor said in 2009: ‘This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth – and I still have my wife.’” – 2010 Shareholder Letter

  • “After ending our corporate marriage to Hochschild Kohn, I had memories like those of the husband in the country song, ‘My Wife Ran Away With My Best Friend and I Still Miss Him a Lot.'” – 1989 Shareholder Letter

  • “The best anecdote I’ve heard during the current presidential campaign came from Mitt Romney, who asked his wife, Ann, ‘When we were young, did you ever in your wildest dreams think I might be president?’ To which she replied, ‘Honey, you weren’t in my wildest dreams.’” – 2007 Shareholder Letter

  • Buffett was once asked how he would like to be remembered, and he replied, “I’d like to be remembered as the world’s oldest man”

  • An interviewer was asking about what would happen to Berkshire Hathaway, and Buffett alluded to the fact that there is a sealed envelope with succession instructions at the Berkshire Hathaway headquarters. He then joked, “When they open that envelope, the first instruction is to take my pulse again.”

  • “No matter how great the talent or effort, some things just take time: You can’t produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.”

If you have a favorite Buffett joke, share it below!




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